Of mosquito repellents, bug busters and fly swatters

The Muse

A few days ago, I had this very cinematic epiphany in the restroom (one among the millions I’ve had in similar locations and situations). It occurred to me right after I had spotted a mosquito comfortably seated on a structure that was primarily meant for human seating. I took an unsuccessful shot at startling the little pest by splashing some water in his direction. I take the liberty of assigning the gender of the mosquito as male for reasons that are far too controversial to be discussed on a public forum. All I can spell out are keywords –man, mosquito, DNA, fusion, ultimate, warrior – you get the drift.

The mosquito seemed unfazed by these knee-jerk reactions. In its lifetime spanning a mere couple-of-weeks, it might have witnessed ample attempts on its scrawny little life. What could a measly drop of water do? Well, if you’d put this question to the man who helped make the assassination attempt possible, you’d get a fairly comprehensive answer. But we’re digressing here. The mosquito in some ways inspired the following post. It’s all got to do with films. But I’m gonna give a little spin to the blog. Make it a little bit, just a wee bit funny. And we’re gonna do that whole Hindi meets English meets Hinglish thingy here.

The mosquito took me down a road I hadn’t treaded in a coon’s age. The mosquito aka machchar took me back to the time I loved Nana Patekar and his films. During my school days, we’d all be tripping on Nana’s dialogues. And the one dialogue that never let go was Ek machchar aadmi ko hijda banaa deta hain. This literally translates to ‘A mosquito can turn a man into a eunuch.' If you’ve lived long enough in India, or even in Mumbai, or have had a decent schooling in Bollywood, you’ll know how.

Anyhow, that one dialogue uttered by Nana Patekar inspired me to pen an ode to all those lovely insects in Hollywood, who’ve worked wonders at the box office. Each entry uses an interpretation of Nana's dialogue, suffixed by the name of the film and a tiny little description of what the movie entails.

Ode to Insects – Concerto Paradiso version

Wake the hell up, says Nana

Ek machchar aadmi ko hijda banaa deta hain – Yashwant 
This is the original insect, never mind the movies made before or after it. Nana Patekar laments lawlessness, the sad plight of the land and the human condition. And it inspired everything that a kick ass Bollywood film was supposed to inspire. For the longest time, I kept referring to this film as Ghulam-e-Mustafa. Or was it Krantiveer? Maybe, it was Prahaar. Wait a minute, was it Parinda? Miscommunication and misunderstandings aside, the film deserves every possible credit. It inspired this blog, no less.

Vendetta, courtesy Mr Mosquito

Ek machchar aurat ko khooni banaa deti hain – Kill Bill Volume 1

Uma Thurman’s The Bride aka Beatrice Kiddo lies comatose for about four years after being left for dead after the coup de grace organized by the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. She is awoken from her limbo when a mosquito, shot in deadly close up, forces its suction pipe through the Bride’s skin tissue. A few milliliters down, the Bride figures she’s just about had enough. Just in time, as moments later she’ll bite the tongue off the malevolently opportunistic driver of a truck, and severe the Achilles tendon of dear old Buck who likes to F***. What can one say? It’s just hard luck. But not for the Bride who embarks on a roaring rampage of revenge that culminates in the chapter Face to Face in Volume 2. And you thought what could a mosquito possibly accomplish? It helped dispose off the crazy schoolgirl Gogo Yubari, followed by the Crazy 88 killers led by Oren Ishii and finally the Yakuza queen herself.

Goldblum is in for a shock

Ek makkhi aadmi ko deewana banaa deti hain – The Fly
This is body horror specialist David Cronenberg’s most shocking and repulsive, not to mention scary as hell sci-fi drama. Jeff Goldblum’s Dr Seth Brundle learns about the darker side of immigration checks inside teleportation devices after getting himself fused at the genetic level with a fly. Starting with minor losses like fingernails and hair, Dr Brundle hits the big time when he learns to walk on walls and do a perfect imitation of Reagan from the Exorcist (pea-soup alternative and an earlobe falling-off included). Of course, his attention span goes for a toss, almost like a housefly. He starts getting nervous and twitchy, constantly bobbing or jerking his head, much to the horror of his love interest played by Geena Davis. The good news for Jeff: The film helped open the portal to more of Goldblum’s fidgety scientist roles, like that of Dr Ian Malcolm in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. Bad news for audience: He hasn’t stopped fidgeting yet. 

 

Super-spider creates a superhero

Ek makdi aadmi ko rakshak banaa deti hain – Spiderman

Tobey Maguire plays Peter Parker and his crime-fighter superhero avatar Spiderman, who discovers he can change the world after a spider-bite. Too bad, Mary Jane ain’t too fond of the creepy crawlies and finds herself constantly outraged at his no-show dates. But then, unlike the fly, the spider causes no degeneration to human tissue. Instead, Peter gets a new pair of biceps, triceps, quadriceps and six packs. No, not that beer – put that mug down. Somewhere down the line, people connected. This wasn’t just another Spiderman. This was Sam Raimi’s main course tarantula in the making. His Evil Dead franchisee was just the starters. And Drag me to Hell made for some great dessert.

You're going to co-operate Mr. Anderson

Ek keeda aadmi ko ghulam banaa deta hain – The Matrix

“Tell me Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call if you cannot speak.” Moments after Agent Smith says these lines, two of his aides restrain a mute Keanu Reeves’ Thomas Anderson and unveil a metal transistor-like device. It shockingly and instantly transforms itself into a kicking and flailing bug that resembles a pint sized lobster. As the agents force the bug through his navel, Anderson wakes up from his nightmare. And the ball is set rolling for the human revolution and rage against the machine. With help from Trinity, Morpheus and Tank, Keanu Reeves causes a system failure in the Matrix, restores order to humanity, spins out two billion dollar sequels and gives rise to countless imitations of bullet time physics. Jokes apart, The Matrix stands as a titan among sci-fi flicks, with legions of fans that have made every line in this film, a quote worth quoting time and time again.

Just one more extraction and I'll be clean

Ek khatmal aadmi ko paagal banaa deta hain – Bug

Ashley Judd is paired with Michael Shannon in the William Friedkin directed Bug, where Shannon’s protagonist, a veteran soldier imagines the inside of his body being overrun by parasites/bugs. What ensues is a horrifying descent into madness with Judd and Shannon assuming proportions of hysteria and terror that have never been voiced on film before. Statistics say that more people fainted from the notion of sitting through one more session of screaming and hollering, courtesy Ashley Judd, than the cumulative effect of the all the scares put together in the film. What? You don’t know who is Ashley Judd? She was in Double Jeopardy. And Michael Shannon starred in Revolutionary Road.

Who's your daddy?

Ek khatmal aadmi ko fugitive banaa deti hain – Minority Report

Remember that super sexy scene in Spielberg’s adaptation of Philip K Dick’s phenomenal sci-fi story? Tom Cruise’s Precog Chief John Anderton is submerged in a tubful of icy cold water just moments after getting himself operated upon and fixed with a new pair of eyes. As the scanner bugs enter his room, Cruise holds his breath underwater while his lungs are at the verge of implosion. The audiences wait with bated breath as the last of the bugs exit the room without being able to catch scent of Anderton. But in a move that is so delightfully genius-like and Spielbergian in appeal, a tiny, singular pocket of air trapped in a bubble escapes Anderton’s nostril and pop’s up on the surface of the water. The bug that was just on its way out the door stops right in its tracks. It backtracks and latches itself onto Anderton’s face to uncover his true identity. Oops.

We got hostiles...eeew...gross!!!

Ek keeda aadmi ko murdaa banaa deti hain – Starship Troopers

I can’t even imagine compiling a creepy crawly blog without enlisting the help of one of our most provocative auteurs – the one and only Paul Verhoeven. After stunning us into silence with his ultra-violent sci-fi epic Total Recall and titillating us with glimpses of Sharon Stone that even the actress had no access to or idea of, Paul decided to go campy, cheesy and ultra-violent on us – all over again. This time he gives us the supersized bug infested planet Klendathu that’s been raining asteroids on Earth and killing its population. There goes my neighborhood. Anyhow, the humans are cheesed off. So they embark on a no-holds barred war against the Arachnids. With military propaganda rivaling the likes of the American ‘I Want You’ campaigns, this is one gore-laden social commentary you just can’t miss.

Egg, larva, pupa (chrysalis)

Ek titli aadmi ko murdaa banaa deti hain – The Silence of the lambs  

‘She puts the lotion in the basket’. Last, but certainly not the least, we have Jonathan Demme’s chilling crime thriller. Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter and Jodie Foster’s Clarice Starling play a game of cat and mouse in this harrowing and at times horrifying journey into the mind of a killer(s). With more than one instance of stomach churning scenes, the film takes an almost clinical look at the psyche of a criminal. In fact, Buffalo Bill seems to be leaving clues for his pursuers. One of the victims actually has a moth shoved down her throat and the scene of the post-mortem sends the right shivers down the spine of every self-respecting horror/thriller fan. Definitely not for the faint-hearted, the film is a masterpiece of fear bottled in a canister of celluloid. And it goes best with a glass of Chianti and some fava beans.

Other notable mentions include flicks like Damnation Alley, Eight Legged Freaks, Arachnophobia, Antz, Bee Movie, A Bug’s Life, Honey, I shrunk the kids, King Kong and Anaconda (for that scene where Eric Stoltz’s character becomes immobile for the better part of the film after an Amazonian bug enters his throat and decides to stay put there. Travelers beware).

Well, that’s it for now folks. Do post your creepy suggestions as and when they pop into your head. If you have a crawly flick that’s not been mentioned here, be my guest and freak me out.

This post is an entry to the Reel-Life Bloggers contest organized by wogma.com and reviewgang.com